We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
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