His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
