I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
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