i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
There should be an open time period where you show each other your goods and it's totally socially acceptable to bail.
I wholeheartedly concur
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
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