It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
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