did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
Randomize
