I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
Randomize
