Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
Thats a flattering suggestion doug but lets be clear NO you may not put your face in my vagina just because ur not charging me a cover. sorry.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
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