Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
