Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
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