ya dads aren't the best wingmen
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
Randomize
