it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
We are all done wearing pants today
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
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