I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
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