the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Randomize