Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
Thanksgiving. A stoners favorite holiday
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
