Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Cool, see you soon... she just admitted to her friends that it was a queef.
so then she threw up in his asshole
yep..that'll do it.
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
I want you more than these girls want KFC
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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