Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
Randomize
