Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
Randomize
