So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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