I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
Randomize
