My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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