it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
