My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
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