put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Randomize