I just saw Ann slam dunk her puke bag into a trash can on Avenue A. You ladies might want to consider putting the Patron shots down and going home.
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
Randomize
