I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
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