remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
Took an aderol, wrote a differential equation for solving volume of flow of a rectangular channel with change in depth, then masturbated for the 6th time.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
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