I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize
