I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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