I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
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