dude i'm inner monologue high
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
Randomize
