Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Randomize
