There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize