I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize