Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
you inspire me to be a worse person
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
