I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Randomize
