Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
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