We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
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