i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
Randomize