I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
I believe in your delicious
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
Randomize
