Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
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