god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
Randomize
