I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
i was shrooming and she was sobbing. i was trying to be sympathetic, but i could see the veins working like worms under her skin. and then her face stripped down to the muscle.
what was she crying about?
i wanna say it was the lack of skin on her face but maybe she lost her job.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Randomize
