Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize