im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Randomize
