I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
I already googled the effects of Molly with my antibiotics, I should be fine.
Why is there even a knowledge base for that?!
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
