pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
Randomize
