sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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