dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
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