Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
he just fucked me for my cheese..
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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