i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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