Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
