so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
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