Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
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