It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
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