broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
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