remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
Randomize
