you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
Randomize
