I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
Randomize
